SHANTERTAINMENT

Somehow this Dane Cook Period Started

I got rid of HBO and Netflix due to the recession. We all have to make sacrifices. But frankly, that ended up being a little too much for me. So after four months I jumped back on the Netflix train (sorry HBO -- but Netflix can eventually give me your shows on DVD. That's a multifunctional bargain!!) Anyways, so when I got the Netflix back I vowed I was going to be serious about watching these damn movies. No more would some crappy Amanda Bynes movie languish in my home for more than 3 months. (Though in all fairness, I don't know if it's crappy. After losing it for a while after the 3 months, I had to pay for it. Then I found it. Still haven't watched it.) But part of my quest was to choose only movies I knew I would want to watch. That means a) No dramaz. Comedy central, my friends. The romancier the better. So one of the first movies on my list was "My Best Friends Girl" with Dane Cook, Kate Hudson and Jason Biggs. I expected little, and was pleasantly surprised. It was pretty damn funny. Alec Baldwin is in it, hello! It's not a masterful piece of cinema and Kate Hudson's part could have just as easily been played by Amy Smart, but what the hell, there are worse ways to spend a Thursday night. Dane Cook basically plays an a-hole who takes money to terrorize dates so that they go back to their boyfriends. But he does it with seriousness. It's not classy, but it's funny. Of course he eventually grows a heart, makes you think he's cute and wins you over.

A few days later I was perusing USA Network and caught "Employee of the Month" with Dane and Jessica Simpson. This one takes all of three brain cells to explain. See, he is fighting with Dax Shepherd for the employee of the month designation at a Sam's like store, as well as Jess's heart. But here's the hard truth -- Dane Cook is again, sort of likable. He makes it so there is a commercial and then another and then another and you are still watching this piece of shit movie starring Jessica Simpson. The next thing you know, you've hit the "record" button so you can take a shower but be assured of seeing the big ending. So, impressive sort of. Especially since after the brief Dane Cook phase we all went through we somehow all decided he was a massive douche for no good reason. I mean, I know I got a sense that though I had his comedy on my ipod it was no longer cool to have it, you know?

So then, I got "Good Luck Chuck." It wasn't life changing. But Dane had more charisma in his little finger than Jessica Alba brought to that whole party. And it got me thinkin: how come this guy isn't a movie star? Or, is he and I just never noticed? Because without much effort I caught three movies starring him and quite charmingly.

So while I'm not sure how I got here, I'm back in with Dane Cook, the movie star. Not sure about Dane Cook the comedian, web superstar or hero of college kids. But one thing at a time.

Which is Most Embarrassing?

That I Tivod "Drop Dead Diva" on Lifetime?

That I got real tears in my eyes when I realized I didn't record the premier of Big Brother?

That I watched the Lifetime movie "7 Things to do Before I'm 30" on Sunday. For the third time?

That I still have the last episode of "Six Feet Under" saved and watch the last 15 minutes when I want a good cry?

That I one of my favorite songs on my iPod is the inspirational last-basketball-shot in the air-Scott Howard jumping on his father tune from "Teen Wolf"?

Or that I sometimes think about what it would be like if Justin and Britney could just get back together?

Your call.

5 Things That Bugged Me About "The Changeling"

1.  The lipstick. Seriously, there is not a moment in the movie where those big pouty lips aren't drenched in red lipstick. It's incredibly distracting and unrealistic.

2. Angelina in general. There were maybe two scenes where I felt like she wasn't more interested in the way her hat framed her face. Ugh.

3. The timeline. It was instantly 8 mos. after the kid disappeared. And the whole "kid is gone" part of the saga never felt very emotional. Then it skipped around so much it was hard to keep track.

4. The previews. We knew the kid disappeared and when they found the next one she claimed it wasn't hers. So waiting like 40 minutes for this to transpire was sort of brutal.

5. The focus. In the end,was it a revenge story, a mystery, a courtroom drama? I like being surprised but I never knew what to expect from this movie. And I didn't see Clint's hand until the last 15 minutes. By then, I'd been bored for too long.

Goodbye, Eli

These days, sometimes my "favorite" shows sneak up on me. These are the shows I don't think about often and never talk about. They have no buzz and I always forget to mention them. But when I grab the Tivo remote and see all the crap there...they are the shows I always want to watch -- actually get excited about and then slowly start to look forward to. Eli Stone was one of these shows. I never once looked at Eli on the list and bypassed it for later. It's a show I wanted to watch no matter how hungover, tired or multitasking I was. The law stuff was compelling enough, sure, but Eli and his brain anyeurism-causing "visions" made me happy.  This was a show without cynicism, that was unrepentent about its optimism, and ultimately, faith. Yes - a show that was unafraid to be about God. Watching Eli Stone never failed to make me happy. Sometimes it was a little much, sure. But it wasn't boring. It was inspiring. OK, OK, I admit I also tuned in for the love story of Eli and Maggie. I'm predictable. But this was built from the beginning on the faith of Maggie that Eli would do the right thing...with apologies to Nicholson, basically, she made him want to be a better man.

Of course, all this is for naught. Eli Stone was ruthlessly canceled because no one else was won over by its charming fantasy dream sequences and messages of hope and doing all you can to be a better person. I thought the finale was perfect -- heavy handed as ever but emotional and well intentioned. I prayed that Eli and Maggie would get some sense of closure, and of course, they did and it was -- what else? -- hopeful. I loved that Eli basically told "God" to take his soulmate Katie Holmes and shover her -- he loved Maggie. Yes, it was crowd pleasing, and there is nothing wrong with that. It pleased me, every episode every time.

Three Topics I Have Zero Interest In Right Now

AKA – why I haven’t done more than skim most stories lately.

 

1. U2 “No Line on the Horizon” – To clarify, I plan to buy it, listen to it and love it. But I have no interest in reading about it. I don’t want to read about Bono and how his do-gooding is impacting his music. I don’t care what Time magazine deems “necessary” vs. “crap” in the U2 oeuvre. And I really hate reading about songs that I haven’t heard yet…it’s as unsatisfying and pointless to me as “judging” the dishes on Top Chef when you can’t taste them. So I continue ignoring all these stories.

 

2. Jimmy Fallon – I don’t know why got to this point in pop culture where media and bloggers seem to have a deep seeded hatred of Jimmy Fallon. I don’t remember it existing when he was on SNL. And the sheer act of starring in a bad taxi movie with Queen Latifah shouldn’t have done it. So seriously, what else has he done to make everyone hate him so much? He has sort of fratty hair, but so does Andy Samberg and we don’t hate him. And he seems much less dick-ish than Seth Myers to me. He got married to Drew Barrymore’s friend, but who cares? Is it just the fact of him getting a show that pissed people off? I guess either way, I don’t really care. I’m perplexed by this, but not enough to read anything about Jimmy Fallon. All of the press on him for his new show is just one more topic that I gloss over regardless.

 

3. The Watchmen. – Maybe I’ll see it someday, but I have no interest in reading about its legal woes or how I should be excited to see it on the big screen.

 

From Hero to Zero

OK, calling Jason the Single Dad from “The Bachelor” a hero to begin with is a stretch. But we can all agree that he did not show the potential for douchey-ness that he ended up displaying at the conclusion of this season of the show.  He SEEMED like a nice guy, a bit of a cheese ball maybe, but a harmless, overly-emotional nice guy. But he wiped away two seasons worth of good will by pulling this “After the Final Rose” stunt.

First off, even after watching every episode of the show this season, neither of these two girls totally won me over. By the end, I liked both of them OK and truly didn’t care who he picked.  I felt a few weeks ago that he liked Melissa the best, and she is sweet and likable. And meanwhile Molly blended into the woodwork with a passion-free existence. Molly came on strong at the end and I believe that Jason was really torn about her – that he was surprised that he liked her so much since he was just keeping her around because she’s pretty. But whatever – this is a rare “Bachelor” case where I wasn’t truly rooting for one girl over another.

So, he picked Melissa. And her reaction was weird and fake and immediately it seemed odd (and the foreshadowing editors gave us way more Molly sadness than Melissa happiness, so that helps.) He got home, regretted it, wanted to take the ring back and have another chance with Molly. I’m still on board with all of this. It’s reality TV – it happens!

What I’m NOT on board with is the decision to call the producers, tell them he wants to change his mind and “psst, don’t tell Melissa – I’d rather tell her on air.” It is right here that Jason goes from being a nice single dad who’s willing to exploit his son on-air to find love and get famous, to total Ass Hole. Now I know that these girls sign up for public humiliation in exchange for the right to show the world how great they look in bikinis. Most of them keep up their end of the bargain well – frolicking in hot tubs, arguing with one another and then weeping about aging ovaries in the limo. That’s the bargain, they know it, we know it, everyone accepts it. But Melissa came to that post-show thinking she was engaged…having lived in secret with her fiancé and never actually been in public with him, she was probably excited to tell the world her good news and start having a normal relationship. But instead, he threw her under the bus big time. And why?? The one thing Chris Harrison never asked (and we’ll get to Chris in a moment) – why didn’t you just tell her two weeks ago, break up with her and come here together to tell us this news? If you are such a great guy?? Why do you have to do this on TV? And don’t give me this about “living life without regrets,” it makes me physically ill.

So then, there’s Molly. Who (taken at face value) was very surprised by all this and starts by asking “What about Melissa?” I was proud of her for those 30 seconds that she worried about his fiancé left in the dust, and for a moment I liked Molly. Then she said, what the hell, it’s a competition and I guess I won! And decided to fall back in love. At the very least, question the motives of why dumping Melissa had to take place on air, Molly! But no, she just embraced and looked at him wide-eyed with her ridiculous headband hair do and then it was over.

So here are my lingering questions:

-         Melissa, I know you supposedly didn’t know this was coming, but even in shock, why on earth would you give back that ring, which the cheap-ass didn’t buy himself anyway, Neil Lane supplied it?? At least keep the ring, Sweetie. And please, please resist the temptation to become the next Bachelorette. Please.

 

-         Chris Harrison – are you pleased with yourself? You are complicit in this. Yes there are producers but we don’t know who they are. We know you. We LIKE you. We TRUST you, Harrison. To look with sympathy on the fallen bachelorettes, to tell us when it is indeed the final rose, to warn us not to miss the most dramatic rose ceremonies ever. That trust is broken, now that we’ve seen you invite Melissa out, then Molly, asking leading questions before whamming them with the truth. I am disappointed.'

 

-         Molly – have you no pride? I hope when you see that the world does not love your bachelor anymore, you will turn away as well. You deserve better. You’re very pretty, despite your abnormally chubby cheeks last night and the horrible hair choice you made.

 

-         Jason – can you please stop insulting us by implying this was the only way you could follow your heart and just admit that you wanted to be famous, let the producers talk you into being a dick and didn’t give it a second thought? Whether it was recent or from the beginning, you gave away your right to believe you are a decent human being by being part of this.

 

-         Producers – I am choosing not to believe the Us Weekly story from last week that stated that you were flying Molly out to see Jason on Melissa’s off weekends, and that the switcheroo was the plan from the beginning. Mostly because if I believe that then I’ll be the biggest sucker ever.

As for tonight’s show – is he proposing to Molly? And how do I stop myself from watching since I really don’t want to be a part of this anymore!!??

Movie Review Haiku

The Wrestler

Devastating, Rourke.

Breaks your heart and makes you cringe.

More impact than most.

 

He's Just Not That Into You

All you will find are

Cliches and embarrassment.

Love this kinda crap.

 

Milk

Story hits the heart.

Relevant but a little

history lessonish.

Slumdog Millionaire

Exhilerating.

Music and fast cuts make this

Seem like a wild ride.

 

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

A movie almost

As long as his life story.

Pretty but no love.

 

Doubt

ACTORS! take the stage.

Pompous with no small gestures.

Too bad, potential.

 

 

Oscars!!

Finally! They finally made some changes that made the Oscars actually fun to watch again. I have to admit,  I was not initially sold on Hugh Jackman. I figured at best he’d be a cuter version of Crystal. At worst, he sing and dance his way into Rob Lowe/Snow White territory. I generally appreciate the snarky comedians who make fun of the proceedings while appreciating the beauty of the ladies and joking about how long the show would be. But in the past few weeks I started buying what Jackman was selling: maybe it was possible to actually celebrate movies and not make fun of them. Maybe it would be more accessible to be a cheeseball movie lover than a sarcastic liberal comedian? So I went into last night hopeful that at least it wouldn’t be disastrous. And I’d say it was anything but. I whole-heartedly enjoyed his goofy opening number and liked his good-natured chatting with the stars. He made everyone around him seem nice and open – Anne Hathaway was more charming than I’ve seen her in a while. Frankly, I thought he was great.

In fact, I found the whole show charming and easy to watch. The five different actors/actresses presenting the actor awards was a great idea, and mixed oldies with today’s stars very nicely. Yes, the individual nominee intros teetered on the overly pretentious side, but they were fun to listen to and most of the winners seemed genuinely moved to hear their speech. It also made me feel better for people like Viola Davis, Melissa Leo, Richard Jenkins and Frank Langella, who had no hope of winning the award. At least they had a short moment in the sun so the night was not completely anti-climatic for them.  It also added a nice dramatic moment when unveiling the five presenters for each…I don’t know if they can get away with this every year, but this year it worked.

I also liked having just 1-2 presenters give out many of the more boring awards, things moved much faster. And even if I didn’t really care for the whole “movie making process” lesson, grouping the awards together into chunks made it seem more palatable.

I’m always a big fan of the movie montage when they are done sensibly and well. Finally this year’s seemed cohesive – it’s about celebrating the year at the movies. That made the love, comedy and action montages all filled with recent and interesting clips that actually went together in a little narrative. I know – it seems like a minor point, but it’s amazing how the Oscars rarely get the montages right! This year, they did.

On the NOT so good side, why have all the musical pieces at once? The score section is always boring, there’s nothing you can do about it. Why bring the songs down with it by lumping them all together? Then there’s the Beyonce musical interlude. Baz Luhrmann hasn’t had a great year, K? This was just a boring hodge podge of songs that didn’t make any sense. Throwing Zac and Vanessa and the Mamma Mia’rs without introduction or focus just seemed out of place.

As for the winners? I was sad for Mickey Rourke, Sean Penn will have a million more chances and I’m not sure Mickey will, though he was so amazing. Similarly, was rooting for Marissa Tomei (a second one can’t be a mistake, right?) And not to be crass, but the Heath Ledger mourning period can officially end.

My awards:

Best Dressed: Before awarding, I have to say I was entirely underwhelmed by everything on the red carpet. Nude, white, beige...they all blended together into one big boring color palatte. Of all the gowns I only gasped once -- Marissa Tomei. It was white without being boring, the pleating was perfect. It was both classic and eclectic enough for her. Other positives were Natalie Portman (Color! Thank you!) and Miley Cyrus, very ethereal and age appropriate.

Worst Dressed:  Amy Adams. Was the piping navy or black? And when the piping is overshadowed by what can only be described as a fabric boob flap, does it matter? (Please note, Jessica Biel is disqualified from consideration – despite her obvious spot on the list – since she has no reason to be at the Oscars, unless it’s to get JT there in a tux.)

Worst Trend: Boring non-colors! Even Taraji P. Henson, who can wear her some damn white, muted it with ivory in a slightly nicer version of the tiered look that we’ve seen everywhere since the BCBG pink concoction made it’s way to weddings everywhere in 2004. Penelope Cruz did boring color too– vintage. But vintage boring. See, at the globes it was crisp white and it worked. Toning that down to this cream business just doesn’t work.

Second Worst Trend: Thinking that draping silver sequins all over your killer bod makes a fashion statement. We indulged Emily Blunt in this for the Globes and look where it got us – Anne Hathaway, Jennifer Aniston, etc.

Best Hair: Amanda Seyfried and her Veronica Lake waves.

Worst Hair: Melissa Leo, who decided to celebrate her career pinnacle by using Reba McIntyre’s stylist from the Fancy tour.

Getting Old, Too Fast: Phoebe Cates and Kevin Kline. The Anniversary Party wasn’t that long ago, what happened? It can’t be helped by Phoebe’s kimono style that wouldn’t flatter a much thinner lady.

Worst Part About Starting Pre-Shows at 5 p.m.: The interviews with the documentary producers and Joey Fatone tripping over himself to ask, what it FEELS like. And oh yeah -- Keisha Whittacre is not a celeb.

Best Jewelry:  Heidi Klum, I loved the overdone stacked bangles and cool earrings.

Worst Jewelry: Taraji P. Henson. The necklace was just too much. It distracted from her instead of highlighting her.

Cutest Damn Thing: Those kids from Slumdog Millionaire getting Meryl Streep’s autograph.

Worst Presenter: Robert Pattinson. Yes, we get it. You are too cool for everything. Don’t worry, in four more years we won’t invite you anymore.

Best Presenter: Steve Martin, always dry and charming.

Why the Hell Are you Here Presenting?: Tina Fey, now you’ve overdone it. You were charming and actually gorgeous with Steve Martin, but I was just thinking how I was happy not to see your damn face winning multiple (deserved) awards for 30 Rock when you showed up here for no good reason whatsoever.

Best Speech: Sean Penn. What a charmingly self-aware liberally good looking share the wealth kind of guy he came off as. (also, the guy who said “domo origato, mr. roboto”)

Most Annoying Guest: S. J. Puh. Leeze. I’ve officially hit the tipping point with Carrie Bradshaw and her faux niceties. That dress is a total redux of a million we’ve seen on her before. And she isn’t 20 anymore. I was thinking about how Robert Downey Jr. was in the audience and they lived together in the 80s!! You have lived a life and don’t need to act like some damn ingénue who just “golly gee, so happy to be here, so happy to get these arms without working out and don’t you just love the way this haute couture dress twirrrrls!”

Best Hooters: Viola Davis. Very nice.

Most Distracting Hooters: I do not care for the Kate Winslet look at all, I thought the color was boring and the cut was dowdy and unflattering. Most of all, I have a total pet peeve of unsymmetrical boobs and hers were as lopsided as can be with different adornments on each – as if they were heading to separate post-awards parties or something. Also, her hair was boring.

Most Back: Beyonce

Most Disappointing:  Frida Pinto had done so well that somehow her blue was a disappointment. I liked the neckline a little but thought she could have played up her figure more.

Best Dressed Man: Call me crazy, I thought Rourke brought it.

Worst Tanning Application: Natalie Portman, who’s face and neck were of different ethnicities.

Best Performance: Queen Latifah, I love that song

Best Looking Couple: Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn,with her legs up to there. Why isn’t she in anything anymore?  She was chic in the sleek black backless and stood out among all the fluff.

Most Improved: Meryl Streep finally wore a dress. One I’m pretty sure we’ve seen before, but, that’s OK. And Angelina Jolie. I still think she’s a homewrecking sour puss. But at least she smiled a little bit and didn’t show up wearing a sheet. Backwards.

Most Delusional: Miley  Cyrus mentioning that she plans to be at the Oscars next year for Hannah Montana because it’s much different than people expect.

Biggest Sign the Future of Our Nation Is in Trouble: The one brain cell shared between Zac and Vanessa that can only seem to blankly repeat“amazing!” over and over.

Best Montage: Love the Love montage!!!

Best Joke: James Franco watching himself make out.

Most Curious Joke: For as liberal as Sean Penn is, he sure makes that “look at how I pretended to be gay!” kind of joke a lot, with an assist from Deniro here.

Most Disturbing Joke: Ben Stiller as Joaquin Phoenix. I thought it was funny (if too long) but am starting to feel like maybe it’s not that funny that Joaquin’s clearly on drugs, self destructing on TV and all anyone does about it is say “watch this clip – he’s so weird!” Just two years ago he almost left with an Oscar and now he’s just a punchline. Just seems like if he is not pulling an elaborate joke, the kid’s gonna die soon and we might all feel like douches when we say we wish there would have been some signs. But Ben was funny. And I loved even more that Reese tried to have Joaquin’s back by making fun of Stiller. (That is what happened, right?)

Gone, Already Forgotten: Marianne Cotilliard, so gorgeous. So forgettable.

Oddest Omission of the Standing O: Jerry Lewis. Sure the montage of his comedy was painful, but you stood for Goldie and Whoopie, but not him??

That’s it for me – what did you think?

 

High Five!

I was going to let Ryan Seacrest's embarrassingly hanging "high five" to the blind contenstant go. But they brought it up at A Socialite's Life first, so fair game, right?

Poor Ryan. His job is so hard! He's not allowed to make out with bikini girls even when they attack him. He has to act equally sympatetic to the duds and the real contestants. And no one told him the blind guy wouldn't see the high five!

What Comes Around Goes Around

Three things I loved, then hated, but now love again.

 

1 – Tom Cruise. OK, love is too strong. But I’m back on his side. I’m not quite sure when it happened, I suspect that my instinct for contradiction just kicked in somewhere around year two of the anti-Cruise campaign, and then escalated with the Tropic Thunder release and hit a plateau with the “I’m a nice guy” PR tour of late last year. (I believed him!) He hasn’t said anything truly crazy in a while, and what craziness he does have is pretty much limited to his religion. So it feels sort of weird for hating him for that.  His kid is cute and at this point, Katie is to blame for her own alleged unhappiness – she is still with him after all. Yes, he’s smug and a bit creepy. But he’s still Jerry Maguire you guys!

 

2 – ER. I bowed out of Grey’s Anatomy before the Denny-Izzy ghost affair fiasco. Back then it was just Alex and crazy new face lady and Mere/Der on and off again and Christina being annoyingly bitchy and Izzy being annoyingly schmaltzy, and ENOUGH ALREADY. And it was quite by accident that I actually watched ER again: one night I was one of those people who was literally too lazy to change the channel. (File me away with the Jay Leno audience.) And here’s the funny thing. ER was good. It was basic. It was a hospital drama where people were sick or hurt and doctors fixed them up. With some snappy dialogue and lessons learned along the way. Its simplicity was like a throwback to an easier time, a time when doctors didn’t turn lesbian on a dime and dead people didn’t come back to fornicate with lost loved ones.  Angela Bassett and John Stamos were easy to like (and easy on the eyes). And now I’m back in for the (dramatic voice) “final season of one of our most beloved shows.” Full disclosure – it was one of my most beloved shows not too long ago. I stayed loyal as long as Noah Wyle was in the mix and for a little while after. But they made Maura Tierney’s character such a downer (and such a central piece) that I drifted away. Today’s version is not really perfect – the Sam character has replaced Abby as the show’s Debbie Downer of a heroine. But it’s entertaining. And it hasn’t once made me want to throw something through the TV.

 

3 – Days of Our Lives. OK, this one is premature. But I only had two for this post topic and I recently saw a Days commercial and thought I should start Tivo’ing it for John and Doc’s final days. And part of me knows that the minute I do that I’m back in forever. I originally quit because I felt that their crazy devil possessed burying people alive alien visiting twin sister stealing antics were giving soaps a bad name. I still do think that. But I also appreciate a good melodramatic goodbye when I see one coming.

Salem

here I come!