Despite despising Superbad and not getting Rhianna, I’m kind of enjoying getting older. For one thing, I like the Oscars a lot more than I used to because I no longer have false expectations of excitement. I know exactly what I’m going to get. And as a result, I’m pretty happy when I get it. Take last night, for example. I thought it was just fine. Sure, it was long with too many performances and ridiculous award show dialogue, but when I settled in for a night in front of the TV, I knew that was coming. I guess my review can be boiled down to one fact – I was not disappointed.
Jon Stewart was fine. The monologue was pretty much acid free and as a result, a little boring, but there were some chuckles in there. It’s worth mentioning that the monologue didn’t feature one sure fire, home run hit joke, and that’s too bad. But he kept it short. And he didn’t sing. (And although no part of me wants Billy Crystal back for any reason, I’d like to see him do a song and dance number about No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood. Not exactly song and dance material, are they?) Where I thought Jon Stewart was excellent was in the in-between throw away quips. He really made me laugh a few times, and without trying too hard at it. The most work went into the pregnancy joke that resulted in Angelina winning a baby – and it was all of 45 seconds. He was likable and quick. And for that I gave him a solid B. UNTIL he brought out that best song winner to let her “have her moment” and say her thanks. It made me cry. B+.
One thing I will complain about is the songs. I know the show was handicapped by having three nominees from Enchanted, but who cares about fairness at this point? I’d wrap the three of those songs into one jumbled montage and get it over with. I’d also can the dancers and let Amy Adams sing everything – she has more charm in her little finger than Kristin Chenowith in her whole four foot frame. Then you have three numbers TOTAL – all very different and actually kind of entertaining. Voila! Problem solved.
The montages were hit and miss. LOVED the winners through the years montages and the overall 80 years looking back. I also enjoyed the “binoculars” and “bad dream” joke montages. But the segment on how the voting goes was elementary and embarrassing. (But nice logo placement PWC. Give that marketing person a raise, stat!)
As for the winners – this was a bad year for movies. It’s not that any one of these people shouldn’t have won, it’s just that who cares if they did or not. I can’t argue with the fact that No Country for Old Men was the best of those movies – or even all movies. It was amazing and affecting and scary and had one of the best villains of all time. But I sure don’t ever want to see it again. And I sure can’t say I “loved” it. It’s the kind of movie that – had there been a Shakespeare in Love to lose to, it would have. Because I don’t know how you can connect emotionally to a movie like No Country for Old Men. (For the record, I think There Will Be Blood even worse in that connection aspect; Atonement was pretty to look at but light on the emotional consequence; Michael Clayton was standard issue corporate intrigue; and Juno came really close to getting smooshed by it’s own hipness.)
If nothing else, I was very excited that the show gave us a few surprise winners. During the last few years, the whole Oscar season has made everything such a foregone conclusion that I was really happy to see Tilda Swinton and Marion Cotillard if for no other reason than I was starting to think I’d never live to see another surprise winner. (Adrian Brody seems so long ago, no?) And I wouldn’t begin to argue with Daniel Day Lewis or Javier Bardem. In both cases, I may not have gotten their characters completely, but I won’t forget them that is for sure.
OK, enough pontificating – onto the stuff that really matters.
Best Dressed – Amy Ryan was perfection in navy pleats, perfectly tailored and perfectly fitting; Cameron Diaz wore something absolutely perfectly suited to her body – it created hips on her that would have made anyone else in the world look like a total fat ass, but worked on her stick figure and made her look hourglassy.
Best Dressed (Red Edition) – So much fabulousness in red. Miley Cyrus. Who knew, right? Those little cap sleeves were totally age appropriate and sexy at the same time. It fit her like a glove and she looked comfortable in it. And the shade of red was perfect. I loved those sleeves so much I’m not even going to bitch about the earrings being a too dark shade of garnet because they were fabulous on their own. All the other ladies in red were gorgeous, but not perfect. Anne Hathaway’s dress just had one too many accoutrement to it. Either the sash or the gathered skirt or the big old sleeve…you know? Heidi Klum and Katherine Heigl went and distracted from absolutely perfect in every way bright red dresses – that I will covet forever and ever – with horrible hair dos. Heidi’s bouffant and Katherine’s 1993 perm look were unforgiveable mistakes.
Worst Dressed – Surely Rebecca Miller is an obvious choice. But too obvious, and who cares about her anyway. Tilda Swinton? She’s a quirky bird, she gets a pass. Nope – the absolute worst had to be Jennifer Hudson. A plus sized girl wearing WHITE! With CUT OUTS! And LEOPARD trim! It’s like she’s never even seen the “how to dress your pear shape” article that appears EVERY month in EVERY women’s magazine. And frankly – the cut outs weren’t just like an unflattering thing to wear. They exposed – into the world, for all the photographers to flash away at – back fat. This is the Oscars. There is no place for back fat. Do we really have to spell that out???
Best Overall Look – I am not a poet or a painter or a songwriter or even a very good blogger. But I have a feeling that Marion Cotillard – and her flawless look last night – is the kind of look that inspires statues and ships to be built in her honor. Or at least will inspire a lot of creepy sketches of her. Simply perfect in every way.
Most Likely to Have Thrown Hot Coffee at her Publicist – Katherine Heigl – after realizing that she was set to walk out right after Anne Hathaway, who also was sporting a floor length red number with one shoulder.
Most Disappointing – Ellen Page. This is what happens when one doesn’t understand that they won’t be 21 forever. That they won’t be nominated for the Oscars every year. And that slow dancing with Jason Bateman in a basement isn’t everyone’s day job. She totally blew it and made it seem like she didn’t care at all. I get it Ellen – you’re a regular girl, you don’t care about all this jazz. But you had the opportunity to sex it up, act your age, and show everyone that you could be more than a wee teen-acting girl. And instead you wore that fucking moo-moo and had your bestie come over and curl your hair while you were hungover. You probably even stopped at McD’s on the way to the ceremony for some more grease. And look – I’m not supporting a starve for three weeks, get colonics daily pre-awards show itinerary. But how about just staying away from the soy sauce and booze for a day or two? Her face was so swollen we didn’t need to hear that it had been her 21st birthday this week – we could see it. I know that look. I wore it through college and for a few good years after. I hate the pictures of my time in that phase – and mine were never in People Magazine. You blew it, kid.
So Close But Yet So Far – Helen Mirren and those weird lace sleeves – why not a pretty red wrap, or just more red satin to cover the arms? Cate Blanchett and the halter strap that was better suited for a commune visit than the Academy Awards.
As Coco
Chanel Said – Julie Christie should have taken off the gloves before leaving the house. Other than that, she was a gorgeous older lady who made Helen Mirren look downright dowdy (Helen’s sleeves didn’t help.)
Best Jewelry – Jennifer Garner’s necklace was mesmerizing and the cuff bracelets will be the subject of many of my future daydreams.
Worst Jewelry – Nicole Kidman. Are those necklaces supposed to distract us from the lips? Because we can see them, and we know they aren’t quite normal. (So I take it botox is bad for fetuses, but collagen isn’t??)
Worst Hair – Jennifer Garner made me want to lick my palm and brush her bangs back like my mother used to do to me. Gross, I know. But deserved. Calista Flockhart wavy pony tail and fly away business confused me. Siorse Ronan’s pony tail was pulling her face back in a painful way. Colin Farrell needs a serious wash. But none was as bad as John Travolta and his pointy Vulcan spray on don’t.
Best Hair – Lots of good hair on the red carpet. Amy Ryan up do and clips were great. Also liked Amy Adams and her long waves.
Worst Overall Look – Renee Zellweger. It’s not the haircut per se. It’s the constant touching of the hair which indicates she hates the haircut. It’s the decision to forego makeup. And it’s the fact that the lack of makeup and unstyled pixie cut didn’t go at all with the generic glamour barbie dress she was sporting. Picture the haircut with a sleek black dress, maybe a high neckline, sleeveless, plunging back. All of a sudden the blond pixie is an accessory and not a disaster.
Worst Trend – FEATHERS. Penelope Cruz showed up in them, again! She basically wore the same damn dress she did last time, which people loved but I hated in the pale nude/pink and feathers. This time it was black. But still feathers. Jen Garner was sporting a few on her hot mess of a train too. And Jessica Alba stuffed some down her cleavage for no good reason.
Another trend I hate–not going with/being with your husband/boyfriend on the red carpet. Damn you Us Weekly for your behavior which has resulted in us never ever ever getting a picture of Ben and Jen together.
Best Trend – Red. I know it’s probably over as soon as it began, but I love that the color scheme on the carpet made all the prognosticators look like douches. Last week everyone was on TV predicting it would be all about Coral! Gold! Bright Greens! Or …. maybe not.
Most Cliché Outfit – Diablo Cody. No one would expect leopard print with a trashy slit on a former stripper.
Best Reason to Avoid Tattoos, Just in Case – Also, Diablo Cody.
Best Dressed Man – George Clooney. Hands down.
Most Improved Man – Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Worst Man – Why do I still expect more of Colin Farrell?
Best Pimping Out on the Carpet - Amy Adams, not nominated, was interviewed for hours by everyone, and she was perfectly charming in every way. Add in her performance in the first 15 minutes PLUS a presenting spot, and I bet her Q rating got way more of a bump last night than when she actually was an Oscar nominee.
Presenter That Made Me Most Nervous – Owen Wilson. I just don’t know if public speaking in front of 1 billion people is the best way to reintroduce yourself to society. What if something went wrong to send him into another depression spiral? There was another one making me nervous also – the stupid fat boys from Knocked Up and Superbad. I just kept thinking that Dame Judy Dench was watching somewhere, and, why be mean?
The Neve Campbell
Award for Worst Presenter – Not that I wouldn’t be nervous, but Katherine Heigl was beyond. Or maybe she was shaking with rage from the following Anne Hathaway in a similar dress thing?
Best Solo Presenter – That Miley Cyrus is really winning me over.
Best Presenting Duo – Josh Brolin and James McEvoy. I don’t get why they were put together, but they did a great job. I especially loved Josh apologizing to Jack for the terrible impression of him.
The Julia Roberts “It’s All About Me!” Award – Tom Hanks, nodding to people in the audience all “hi Jack” “what up George” with little to no irony.
Best Acceptance Schtick – I loved Tilda Swinton’s making fun of George Clooney. Anyone can thank George. Mocking him makes you seem like you’re really in with the in crowd. Also loved Javier Bardem and the Spanish business.
Worst Acceptance Schtick – Daniel Day Lewis bending to Helen Mirren to be “knighted.” The queen thing is so over. And while we’re at it – replaying her line from last year that I hated then (“all hail the queen”--- Oscar is a boy! Duh!) really bugged me.
Best Jon Stewart Joke – There were some good ones – Helen Mirren, you got served. While we’re at commercial, we’re sitting around making catty remarks about what you’re wearing. Singing the song. That guy’s really arrogant. Tom Hanks has no right being here. Nice throw aways.
Worst Jon Stewart Joke – His stripper name is Olympia Dukakis. Thud.
Most Awkward Red Carpet Moment – Ryan Seacrest asking Jessica Alba if she plans to breast feed.
Most Awkward Red Carpet Moment (runner up) – Lisa Rinna asking Amy Adams about the first thing she did when she found out she was nominated. Despite Amy’s response that when she was nominated two years ago, she called her mom, Lisa didn’t catch on and kept asking her about her “nomination.” (she wasn’t nominated.). Oh Lisa!! Taking over for Joan in more ways than one!
That’s it from me. Since I stayed up late last night I don’t have the energy to comment on Regis’ fascination with regular folks, Giuliana Ransic’s orange skin color, Kelly Preston’s spray on tan mishap or Harrison Ford’s earring. Maybe next time. What did you think of the show?
